I want better, for myself and my husband. I want to have an active life but, instead it’s very sedentary. Yeah, I’ve been sick and that happened after I started to get my feet on the ground from taking myself off of Fentynal patches, 100 mcg. My gosh, it wasn’t an issue until I had a doctor a year ago tell me, “The opioids have changed your brain chemistry, you will have to stay on them the rest of your life”. OMGosh! I hit the ceiling! That was a challenge, no doctor is going to tell me I’m broken because of medications, any medication. This country is on too much medication and I include myself in this, but for today I have to bow down to the doctor’s, once I’m well, I will be off of half of it. They have me on some terribly strong medicines for Shingles, which I got because of the massive daily doses of prednisone I’m taking for a Crohne’s flare-up, but this flare-up is going into it’s third month!

It’s one thing snow-balling after another! The gastro doctor canceled my very important test two times now and I had to skip my Entyvio infusion that I get every eight weeks. I’m

up in the air, only God is going to make this better. My body is just not on track, along with all my worries above, I think I feel a bit better today and i had to be at the dentist for a two hour appointment for fillings and a cleaning. Wow, I did that one to myself. I think I could have delayed it but i forged through, and made it, although, my mouth has been in pain since the Novocaine wore off. Arg!!

Frustrated I get, in the mix of things i quit smoking first of January, a few slips like today

for hubby and me, but all in all I consider myself a non-smoker! This is an awesome thing and unfortunately it’s cause havoc on my anxiety and emotions are all over the place but in check! I’ve not been surly, not much anyway, it’s easier to not smoke when I go out of the house in the car, we never smoked in the car, but I lack destination.

I find I can not smoke but I’m struggling with 20 pounds that has been added to my body from too much eating and medications that cause intense weight gain and hunger, needless to say, as I write this I am seeing that I need to fix all that’s fallen apart in the last three months.

Hubby is shopping for our first home, maybe months a couple or a few, we have to learn as we go so as to not get in a fix we cannot get out of or lose our shirts over.

It’s very exciting but, a bit too big for me to wrap my mind around. I get excited too easily, like a five year old on her way to Disneyland. So, I can be annoying and immature without meaning to be, it’s a happy and exciting thing and I really don’t know the proper way to behave. I want to be a part of it but then I am fearful of any mistakes I could make. Hubby is eligible for his VA Loan. He deserves a home and he’s the one I want to be pleased, I just don’t want to bite off too much for us to care for, yards, lawns, gardening and we can’t accept a fixer-upper for the simple fact we are both disabled as far as weight, strenuous movement and, well, it’s not feasible to get a fixer-upper in our sixties with these limitations. God will provide.

I think I may be giving up when it comes to church, I’m giving up on me, I cannot be the way the church wants me to be, I’m stopping smoking but I do take part in Cannabis also, even with doctor’s script, they frown on that, take a bite one too many and your a glutton, maybe i’m just stressed because all my addictions have flown out of control during this last three months. I need to give myself a break.

I have a birthday on the last day of February 2020! Leap Year and I get another birthday older! 15 birthday’s old I will be but, 60 years old on the same day! I want to celebrate big but no one seems to be agreeable with that idea, we will see. It’s never been important to me but I never thought I’d care, this year I care.

No matter my situation or circumstances nothing keeps me form caring for my family when the need me. That I’m sure of. Thank you Jesus that I can care for them.

I think I’m going to spend the evening reading you all’s blogs.

God bless everyone.

..·♰¯♰·._.· 𝔐𝔞𝔯𝔶 ·._.·♰¯♰·..

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