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So does Satan.

I could have never imagined a Salvation that can be turned on and off like a water faucet.

That those who claim responsibility for someone’s soul are also those very ones that can’t find a truthful word inside of a dark library.

A ‘spiritual awakening’? Maybe ‘permission for a slight reprieve from the desire to not exist?

It all is so meaningless, when ALL has been stripped away. Does the belief system dare to waste it’s energy to look away from the ONLY honest, true and pure reality it’s taken a whole life to find, Yahweh?

At this moment in my life I find myself severely comatose, not with fear, not with anger, not with hate, not with trust, not with hope. With a mixture of pure evil that I can honestly say doesn’t belong to me. It’s from an outward source. People, for sure. But, why? How? What could possibly be a firm reason or cause for such emotion?

I sincerely don’t know the end to this story. Guessing is not the answer, even blind faith isn’t. My faith in the Creator’s Trinity has not come without a price. A price Jesus paid dearly for, especially for me. For being a little girl with mighty dreams that I grew and found they aligned with my God but, to be played out when the time came to an extreme twisted fate that that little girl became one of God’s most horrendous sinners of all time! That’s how I KNOW my Father is REAL, my LOVE for HIM more than REAL, and my future with HIM sealed with the blood of Jesus on that cross!

No one in their right mind who has total and complete POWER over ALL things living and not would ever step down from Heaven, as pure, clean and beautiful as perfection could be to be born into this world as a sinner who never knew sin!

He came for only ONE reason, HE loves His Creation, us, His children, so much that He retrieved us, as filthy rags as we all are! He gave us Freewill, to say YES to His offer to believe in His Son and Self, Jesus, Immanuel, Counselor and Prince of Peace!

He called, I said yes. I repented of my sins, ALL of them! No matter how hard it has been to look at them! He’s there for all of us that HEAR Him call our names!

I stand at this cross road and feel His warmth, confident that I am exactly where HE wants me, but with so many doubts, pains and cracks in my heart at the confusion that Satan is knocking at my soul. Trying to take me back and the answer to that is ‘OH NO, I won’t GO!

Unknowing and confused of my next step I do suspect fear trying to seep in. I pray and sing and about 100 % of my time is spent meditating on making my next thought the one HE desires me to have.

Today, I am left with a Gratitude List with ONE name on it. Only one. It is His Name, Jesus, Joshua, Immanuel, Lord of Lords, the One I wait on, the very One I loved so dearly when I was barely old enough to walk! The One who is teaching me to Run in my future! He blesses me with His Holy Breath of Yahweh, Himself!

I NEVER want to go back Father! Please guide me and make me REAL!

If you ever wonder how God, our Creator is able to know us so well remember, John 11:35, NKJV ~ it simply reads;

Jesus Wept.

His dear friend had died.